Fairy Tale (Pt 2)

“They say you will fail.” The princess’s voice filtered through the black silk covering her face. It allowed only her eyes to show, deep and piercing blue waves on stormy waters. She was stretched out on her bed, her legs in the air, reading. She laughed at the sight of him.

He turned to look at her. His hand went into his small pouch and a quick jerk released dust that settled over him. “Remove the silk.”

“Haven’t you been told? You will go blind.” Her hand flipped in the air, dismissing him.

He stepped closer to her, his hand raised as if to strike her. “Remove the silk!”

“No.” She huffed, and turned on the bed, leaving him her back as audience.

“Then so be it. Remove. The. Silk.” He kept his voice even but his fists clenched, his jaw tightened, and he stepped closer to her. He raised his arm and held his open palm out to her. “Please.”

“I don’t want to. In fact,” she said, her fingers drifting to her head and twirling loose strands. “I don’t feel like doing anything right now. Please leave.”

He stepped closer to the bed, his arm still extended. He resisted the urge to pull the silk away himself. Trust was key to his success. “I won’t.” He planted his feet shoulder length apart, and crisscrossed his arms across his chest. He willed his feet to cement themselves to the floor.

“You will.”

Her nostrils flared. Her fingers curled into a fist. She rose from her bed, and approached him. She stepped close, bumping him slightly, but he didn’t budge. She pushed him, and still he didn’t move. She ran towards the bed, gathered her arms to her waist, lowered her head, and charged. He stepped to the left at the last moment, and she slammed into the wall instead. She was stunned to discover the silk covering her face gone. She turned and faced him, defiance written all over her face, a wicked smile dancing on her lips. “Say goodbye to your eyesight, freak.”

“So this is the beauty that blinds all men,” his hand covered his mouth to hide the smile of satisfaction on his face. His other hand reached into his pouch again and more dust flew through the air, settling on the princess. “Now, I shall leave you alone. Goodnight, princess.” He waved, mocking her as she coughed.

She watched him leave, then flew to the window.  The moon hung large in the sky waiting for their next move.

(To be continued…)

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This week Write on Edge challenged me to try a piece using one of the writing tools I’d like to polish a bit. I’m not quite sure I set out to do what I was trying to do here, but a great weakness of mine involves action during dialogue–what are they doing while they are talking, since it is not natural for people to sit/stand still during conversations, even at the dinner table. So that was what I attempted here, perhaps too much or perhaps not enough. What do you think? (and I really want to know!)

This piece comes from Fairy Tale, a story I started in September and never came back to.

This is also my response to the Bloggy Mom’s Writer’s Workshop. We were challenged to write about anything we wanted to, as long as the story ended with “The moon hung large in the sky waiting for their next move.”

Calling all moms to join Bloggy Moms Writer’s Workshop, today.

As always, I am always looking for feedback on my writing. Please leave your thoughts in the comments and help me grow, especially today. How can I improve my dialogue and the actions my characters take during conversations?

War and Peace

“Will you not share?

No. It’s all mine.

“But you have so much.”

So? It’s all mine.

“Yes, you are right. But! I have all this.”

I don’t care. I’m not sharing a single crumb with you.

“Will you not put it on the line then so it is neither yours nor mine?”

No. I won’t.

“Then I will not share mine with you.”

Then we’ll both die.

Shrugs. “We will all die eventually anyway.”

You sooner. I’ve got the food.

“And  I, water. I daresay you will die of thirst first.”

Then so be it, but I won’t leave you a scrap. Not even a morsel fit for a mouse.

“Poor mouse.”

Poor you. Your stomach’ll wake  the dead.

“So you will not share?”

No. I won’t.

“Then we both die.”

So be it.

~*~*~*~

Rumble.”All those leftovers. Will you not share?”

Not one crumb.

“Okay then. Watch this.” Glug. Glug. Glug.

Will you not share?

“Will you?”

No. Humph. Maybe a crumb.

“Then I will give you a drop.”

But the line…

“Put it on the line.”

No.

“Why not?”

You’ll take it. If I put it on the line, you’ll take it and I won’t get it back.

“Of course not. It will be in my belly.”

Then I’ll have to cut it out.

“You would cut the crumb from my belly? Nonsense. You’ll kill us both.”

Then we’ll both die.

“So be it.”

~*~*~*~

“Will you not share?”

A crumb for a drop?

“Yes, on the line.”

Wait. How can you leave a drop on the line?

“Like this.”  Ping. “Will you not share?”

Humph. No. It’s all mine.

“Fine. I take the drop back then.”

How?

“Like this.” Smudge. Smudge. Scratch. “There, see?”

Humph. Waster.

“I have plenty.”

Will you share?

“No. I will not. Will you not share?”

Humph. No. I won’t.

Chew.

A crumb for a drop?

“On the line?”

No.

“No. I will not. Not even for a crumb.”

Gurgle.

Cottonmouth. Will you not share?

“I will not. Unless…Put it on the line.”

The line for more than a drop?

“For more than a crumb.”

Just one.

“On the line?”

Yes. More than a drop?

“Yes, a whole cup, on the line.”

On 3?

“Yes. My count.”

No. Mine.

Sigh. “Fine. You count.”

One. Two. Three!

“Thank you.”

Thank you!

“Please put the cup on the line.”

No. It’s mine now.

“You cannot fill it.”

It’s mine. See? My side of the line.

“Cheater.”

Waster.

“Will you not share the cup?”

No. I won’t.

“Then we both die.”

So?  I didn’t ask to have you tagging along.

“As if it is my fault.”

No, but…you could just give me the water.

“And you could just share the food.”

I could, but I won’t.

“There is plenty.”

It’s all mine. See? The line.

“Stupid line. Who had this crazy idea, anyway?”

You did.

“Oh. Why?”

You hate me. Sniff.

“I do not.”

That’s what you said before drawing the line.

“Oh. Well I did not mean it.”

Sniff. Humph.

“Will you not share?” Smudge, smudge. “Look, the line has a gap. Shall we cross it?”

Humph. On 3?

“Yes, on 3. “

One. Two. Three! Humph. I can’t cross without you.

“I will not cross.”

Humph. Why not?

“I just remembered why I hate you.”

Humph. Fine then. I won’t share.

“Yes, exactly. This is why I hate you. You  do not share.”

I share too much already. A hip, a shoulder, an abdomen. Isn’t that enough?

“When you put it that way…Cross the line on 3?”

On 3. One. Two.

“Wait. I am not ready. Which side are we crossing to?”

Yours.

“No, no. I made the line. I choose.”

No. You’ll eat all the food and close the line without giving me any drink.

“And you will not do the same?”

No. I’m honest.

“Calling me a liar, now?”

Yes, whenever it’s to your advantage. Which is always.

“Fine. I’ll put the line back.”

Humph. Of course you will.

“Are you calling me predictable now?”

You said it, not me. Don’t look so shocked. You said it just now.

“Fine. I will be unpredictable then. What do you think I will do next?”

Count to three then cross to my side of the line.

“Wrong! You count, and we will cross to my side.”

Fine, on 3? One, two, three, step! Here is the cup.

“And here is the water. Fill the cup?”

Yes and here, step to my side for a second. Here, have some bread.

“It’s moldy.”

Yes. What did you expect of leftover bread?

“We will both die.”

At least we will be together.

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This week’s challenge was to: Write a piece, non-fiction or fiction, in which your character is figuring out what to do with their “leftovers”. We had 600 words to do this with (and yes, I’m a little over).

So, tell me. I tried on all dialogue for a change. Did it work? Did the path of the story take you by surprise? Feel free to share your thoughts. I’m always looking for critique.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Hallmark Moment

“Do you ever regret it? Marrying him so young?”

“No. I got to finish school even though we married. That was thanks to the military, but still. There are a lot of young wives who can’t say that. And I love him, so that’s a bonus.”

“Well, I knew that part. I just wondered if you ever wish you had waited to get married. You know, had time to play the field a little before settling down.”

“No, I really don’t. Honestly. I think the moment I met him, looking sharp in that ROTC uniform, I knew it was forever. I don’t think I could have played the field even if I’d had the opportunity. He captured my heart with ‘Hello’.” A dreamy look developed on her face. Fallon knew that look well. She smiled.

“Ah, Martin! Martin, Martin, Martin. If only I had known the trouble you’d be, I’d have done everything in my power to keep Kate away from you!” Fallon’s head shifted from side to side, her fiery crown settling in soft curls along her jawline. Her words ended in a higher pitch, something she did when she was laughing.

“You would not!!” Kate’s hand flicked out and slapped the air, feigning shock. “You still would have played the cupid card and set us up. You know it, too.”

“Oh, I know. I just miss the moments we never had together after he came into our lives.”

“Hahahaha! ‘The moments we never had’? Haha. You should start writing Hallmark cards with those lines. You’re almost as bad as Martin.”

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This week’s assignment was to show a relationship between two characters, fiction or real, through dialogue in 300 words or less. This is a 264 word snippet from my NaNo.

Did it work? Concrit welcome.

>Red Writing Hood: Mirror Image

>”How dare you laugh at me?” Amber’s voice is shrill as she speaks.

“How can I not laugh at you! You, with your flaming red clown hair? The black circles etched around your eyes and bleeding down your face. Your tawdry lips slashed with red goo. You? You embarrass me!”

“I do not. Take it back! I am not an embarrassment. I’m just…sad! He left me. Me! I poured my soul out to him, and he left me. Drowning in the bitter taste of my own salt. HE LEFT ME!”

“Don’t you turn your back on me. Don’t you ever turn your back on me! If it were not for me, you would still be living in that trash can I found you in three years ago, sleezing it up just for a bite to eat! No wonder he doesn’t want you! Look at yourself! Go on. Look closer. You see there? That supreme lump of inefficiency? That’s YOU. I’m surprised he stayed as long as he did. Little Miss Perfect, you think you are.”

“I don’t.” her response came quietly.

“She’s not. Leave her alone, Felice!”

“But look at her, Teach! She is whiny, and snuffly, and look! Even her nose has snot running out of it. She’s so disgusting. Why on earth would he possibly want that…that child! When he can have a woman like me instead?”

“And why would he want a condescending cruel hearted bitch like you when there are plenty of nicer fish in the sea? Come to me, Amber. Don’t listen to Felice. That’s right. Let ol’ Teach take care of you. There now, no more snot. No more tears. Let’s fix your face up pretty. Yes. Oh, that’s much better. So much better! If I do say so myself, you can barely tell you were ever crying. Well done!”

“Now who’s the one laughing, Felice? Dare you say another thing to me now that I am strong? Well, do you?”

“Well. Good job, Amber. That shut her up. I truly expected more from Felice, but then again, she is all talk and no bite. Good riddance! As for you, Amber…How many times have I told you this is NOT a good color on us? No Reds. NONE. Oh, the pain you cause me as I tear at our lips to remove this hideous color! Oh to be rid of the lot of you!! Now come on. Look. Isn’t this pearly pink such a nicer color? Our skin glows, our cheeks brighten. There. Perfection.” Teach took one last look in the mirror, applied one last coat of lipstick, and smiled to the empty room around her.

“Now,” she said, looking straight into the mirror, “let me show you both how it’s done properly. Our poor Mr. Jeffries will never know what hit him.”

Critique is welcome. Please help me grow as a writer.

–Stephanie, AKA The Drama Mama