Collecting youth. by alexstoddard on Flickr.
“You do not belong here,” she said, her voice warm yet menacing as it carried through the air.
Darien stopped walking and looked for the source of the voice. The trees seemed clustered together, as if to pin him in.
“You do not belong here,” she repeated. The trees shifted again, pressing closer together. Darien drew his machete, ready to cut his way through, if necessary, and stepped forward again. Unease crept up his spine but went ignored. A tree stopped his advance and a limb stretched towards him, its wood becoming flesh. Her arm was skinny and milky white. He recognized the markings that marred it. A finger crooked in front of his face, its sharp fingernail missing the underside of his chin by mere inches.
“You do not belong here!” she stated once more. He swung the machete back, but another tree stopped him from thrusting it into her bark. The pressure was tight and he released the machete. More twigs wrapped around him, trapping him in a tight embrace, as roots sprang from the soil, beating against his feet.
“You failed us!” her voice wavered as she spoke, the finger stretching further yet still avoiding contact. “You dare to return with the blood of our sisters on your soul. Your very substance is poison to us. You took from us our heart, now we will take yours!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This week’s Trifecta Writing Challenge: heart–3: personality, disposition <a cold heart> between 33 and 333 words.
The image used in the story above is the picture prompt from Ermilia’s Picture it & Write prompt this week.
And the 3 words of 3 Word Wednesday were beat, pressure, and substance. (well, they were the words until new ones went up this morning. *sigh*)
I welcome and appreciate constructive criticism. Please feel free to share your thoughts in a comment.
Thanks for stopping in!
Substance
Substance abuse, drug-related healthcare and social policy diagnosis or label →
08/24/2012 at 1:15 am
This piece is intense and spooky. It reminds me in tone of The Woman in Black. I really love the way you talk with your community in the comments about how to make your work stronger. There is nothing more valuable to a writer than an honest community. Love it.
08/24/2012 at 1:29 am
I am very lucky to have such a supportive community. Thanks for the awesome words and challenges every week.
08/23/2012 at 5:02 pm
A very powerful ending. I love how this main character wasn’t the stereotype, good boy. A nice story! Thanks for contributing this week.
- Ermisenda
08/24/2012 at 1:28 am
Oh I was just amazed to find the prompt!! It’s such a great picture!! Thank you for the prompt!
08/23/2012 at 11:01 am
Intriguing! I too would definitely read more, although I think it has force just as it stands. You created a great atmosphere here.
08/23/2012 at 11:30 am
Thank you!
08/23/2012 at 8:51 am
Thought this was good. Very good. I would read on and on. Yup.
08/23/2012 at 9:08 am
I may expand on this later. Thanks for the inspiration!
08/23/2012 at 2:40 am
I thought it was cool that you mixed the two challenges together. I like the bit about the blood of our sisters.
08/23/2012 at 8:23 am
Thanks, Anne. The challenges worked together so it was easy.
08/22/2012 at 10:36 pm
Chilling. I’ll be remembering this on my next hike and will remember to be extra careful in the woods.
08/22/2012 at 11:43 pm
as long as you dont massacre any special trees, i think you might be okay…
08/22/2012 at 1:31 pm
I like Lance’s suggestion. This is a really cool flash. I can picture the scene and the evil is just oozing off the screen
Another suggestion: remove the word “white” before limb. You don’t need it if you say her arm was skinny and “milky white”
08/22/2012 at 2:48 pm
I took both suggestions and made the changes. It really is a great picture isn’t it? It could be bigger but right now I’m going to focus on finishing Toxic Lucidity, figuring out my NaNo project for September, and getting the Tiffany story in print.
08/22/2012 at 1:17 pm
This is strong beautiful writing
08/22/2012 at 2:46 pm
Aww, thanks, Ruby. It feels good to be exercising my wings.
08/22/2012 at 11:35 am
Oh, I like this. The revenge of the trees. Yes!
08/22/2012 at 2:46 pm
Thanks, Annette! What a beautiful horse in your avatar!
08/22/2012 at 2:47 pm
Thank you! I love him to bits.
08/22/2012 at 10:42 am
I like the intensity and the old word quality of the prose, especially their speech. How do you feel about taking “our very being” out of the last sentence to ephasis heart?
good work, mama
08/22/2012 at 2:45 pm
I did take it out. I put in to emphasis the definition here for heart, but I’m glad that the meaning is apparent enough it’s not needed. Thanks, Lance.