I heard you before I saw you, shooting through the woods, a red bullet aiming straight for me. Two leaps carried me across the blacktop. I hid, barely within the safety of the forest, knowing the shrubbery wouldn’t conceal me.
You felt my eyes watching you, waiting for you to pass, as I stood there just within sight. I alone, the rebel, halted the rest of my kin, hidden in secrecy within the circle of trees. After all, though my antlers haven’t broke skin yet, I am sworn to protect my tribe.
And protect them I will, especially from you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This week’s 100 Word Challenge is “rebel.” This week’s Write on Edge prompt was “secret.” The picture at the beginning of the story is the #FridayFictioneer picture prompt.
This story was inspired by a true event. The red bullet in the beginning is my van, and the POV is from the deer that stood in the middle of the road, at 4 pm EST, then finally leaped to safety with 20 yards to spare. As I passed by, I saw him, hovering just beyond the thin foliage, watching.
I always welcome and appreciate feedback, even on short pieces like this. Please share your thoughts in a comment.
Thanks for stopping in!
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07/25/2012 at 3:24 pm
I really liked this. Thanks for stopping by my blog so that I could find yours. I will be back. Your description of yourself matches me almost exactly. All the way down to the word “survivor.” Glad to meet you, SAM!
07/24/2012 at 1:21 pm
Very nice. I also thought a gun, but was puzzled by the “red,” and why it would be traveling slow enough to realize it was a bullet. Call me overthinking.
But I really loved the way you evoked a young deer standing guard over the family. Loved that image.
07/23/2012 at 2:48 pm
Thanks for explaining the ‘red bullet,’ Sam. I like the deer POV. Unfortunately, more deer die from automobile accidents than any other means, not to mention the 200+ humans that are killed every year while colliding with deer. Their population in increasing in rapid numbers, creating more danger for both species.
07/24/2012 at 12:50 am
I’m not surprised by these stats. I have discovered, since our move to our current home down a long, wooded country road, that the deer are rather bold it seems.
Thank you so much for stopping in, Russell!
07/23/2012 at 11:50 am
I am still uncertain if he is fully a deer or if he is more humanoid. Well done.
07/24/2012 at 12:51 am
I like your spin on it!! Thank you, JK.
07/23/2012 at 1:24 am
love a good twist.
07/24/2012 at 12:51 am
me too!! Glad you enjoyed mine. Thanks for stopping in!
07/22/2012 at 1:04 am
Glad you added the tag explaining the van because I thought the red bullet was a gun. However, from his POV, it could easily have been a hunter’s gun as well. Wonderful, original take on the prompt. I’m #68 on the list.
07/22/2012 at 4:51 pm
You’re right. it could take a few descriptions. I kinda like the openendedness of the description.
07/21/2012 at 1:34 pm
The ending surprised me. I was expecting a human target. Loved the point of view, especially from a young buck. It reminds me of the bravado some of our kids display before they are totally equipped to take on the world.
07/22/2012 at 4:52 pm
Thank you! I like surprising endings.
07/21/2012 at 1:19 am
Imaginative twist. Well crafted.
http://ebooksscifi.wordpress.com/2012/07/20/pre-fall-by-ilyan-kei-lavanway-for-madison-woods-friday-fictioneers-100-word-flash-fiction/
07/22/2012 at 4:58 pm
I just wanted to let you know i read your piece too. For some reason it wouldn’t accept my wordpress credentials. Anyway I said that I enjoyed the twist on creation and it was also well crafted.
Thanks for stopping in!
07/20/2012 at 5:07 pm
muscular, effificent and well executed
I loved it
07/22/2012 at 4:58 pm
Thanks, Lance!
07/20/2012 at 2:24 pm
Like the point of view in this. Coincidentally, I saw a buck standing by the side of the road last night while I was driving. Amazing creatures not often seen. The send the doe out for food usually. At least that’s what I thought.
07/22/2012 at 4:59 pm
I passed one with grey on its face, so I knew it was older. As for the rest, this particular buck is a rebel, thus he does things his own way. LOL.
Thanks for stopping in!
07/20/2012 at 11:31 am
Wow, amazingly done! I loved it! http://theforgottenwife.com/2012/07/19/friday-fictioneers-july-20-2012/
07/22/2012 at 5:00 pm
Thank you!! It means so much that you stopped in.
07/20/2012 at 11:28 am
I loved the POV!!! And the idea of protecting his tribe is so fitting. Amazing work in 100 words!
07/22/2012 at 5:00 pm
Thanks, Wisper!!
07/20/2012 at 11:08 am
I love the reversal of perspective here; you don’t often think of bravery in this context. Nicely done.
07/22/2012 at 5:01 pm
Animals are amazing. This was really fun to write. That the deer actually hovered just off the road in the trees really helped create it too.
07/20/2012 at 11:06 am
I think you did a great job setting the scene here and giving it to us through a different POV. I wouldn’t have guessed “van”, though it makes perfect sense when I re-read!
07/22/2012 at 5:02 pm
I’m glad it made sense. I probably should have left it to the readers imagination, but I think some left it that way anyway.
Thanks for stopping in, Angela.
07/20/2012 at 8:53 am
You really did a good job of conveying a fresh perspective on this picture. As I work my way through the list, it’s so much fun to see what this picture evoked in everyone and where each person went with it. I could easily picture this in my mind’s eye!
07/22/2012 at 5:03 pm
I’m glad the descriptions took you into the scene. Thank you so much for stopping in!
07/20/2012 at 8:23 am
Great work! And boy do you know how to take 3 prompts and combine them into one!!
07/22/2012 at 5:03 pm
These 3 were easy. LOL but thanks!
07/20/2012 at 7:34 am
An intriguing perspective, and a very powerful piece.
07/22/2012 at 5:05 pm
Thanks. Why do I hear what I imagine Lance’s voice sounding like saying “Tar-ah” in my head? LOL.
07/20/2012 at 7:28 am
Interesting perspective. The final line was the perfect ending. Excellent work.
07/22/2012 at 5:06 pm
Thank you, Adam. A slight break from my norm, but it was fun,
07/20/2012 at 7:19 am
My favourite line is the last. Serious, valiant and moving all at once. I like the fresh, personalized voice too.
07/22/2012 at 5:06 pm
Thank you, cait. It means so much that you stopped by.
07/20/2012 at 6:10 am
Now I know what was going through the mind of the deer I almost hit last fall. Came close enough to see the hair pattern on its side. Nice piece.
http://www.rochelle-wisoff.blogspot.com/2012/07/bittersweet.html
07/22/2012 at 5:10 pm
I’ve always wondered what they think when they see/hear us coming.
07/20/2012 at 4:51 am
Sharp, concise. Nicely done!
07/22/2012 at 5:11 pm
Thank you, Shelton!
07/20/2012 at 4:51 am
An original perspective, and an original take on the prompt. Well done.
http://castelsarrasin.wordpress.com/2012/07/19/triple-exposure-friday-fictioneers-july-2012/
07/22/2012 at 5:12 pm
Thanks, Sandra.
07/20/2012 at 4:27 am
An excellent take on the photo prompt and what an unexpected confirmation at the end of where I thought you might be going. Really well done and I enjoyed it.
http://womanontheedgeofreality.com/2012/07/20/friday-fictioneers-the-grapevine/
07/22/2012 at 5:12 pm
I’m glad I surprised you? Thanks for stopping in!
07/23/2012 at 4:47 am
You’re welcome
07/20/2012 at 4:08 am
This was nicely written. Tight and I really liked how you saw things from the deer’s pov. N the emotion, was nice.
07/22/2012 at 5:13 pm
Thank you for all the compliments. I’m so glad that I what I set out to achieve worked.
07/20/2012 at 2:37 am
Full of unexpected twists and I love it. Remind me of little Bambi.
Great job.
hugs
shakira
a mother’s love
07/22/2012 at 5:13 pm
Awww, Bambi. That’s a rather sad story, LOL.
07/19/2012 at 9:34 am
I like the twist at the end. You are expecting one thing and then get the surprise. The only thing that I would suggest to make it stronger is to switch out a few words. You repeat woods in the beginning and then the use of eyes/eyesight later. In a longer work it’s not an issue but with flash you almost have to figure out a different way to say something so it doesn’t sound repetitive
07/19/2012 at 10:01 am
Hmmm. Good point! Fixed! Thank you!!
07/19/2012 at 8:42 am
Intriguing. Not an approach I expected – I like it a lot.
07/19/2012 at 9:59 am
I like giving my readers a bit of a twist. Thank you!
07/19/2012 at 6:41 am
Very nice. I enjoyed reading it, and like how you wrote red bullet…i initially thought a gun. Like your take on the prompt. Mine is here
http://boomiebol.wordpress.com/2012/07/18/office-talk-friday-fictioneers-718/
07/19/2012 at 10:00 am
I did want to leave it open to the readers imagination. Thanks for stopping in!